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Old 10-18-2007   #1
Justin
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Default English Funny Jokes

As a reason of High posting & loading, thought of opening a second part for the english lang funny Jokes...



Please Don't Open Any Other Thread Concerning the English Jokes


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Old 10-20-2007   #2
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed
that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you
haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and

there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?
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Old 10-20-2007   #3
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's
birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store
manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the
father asked.

The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's
house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings
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Old 10-22-2007   #4
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!”
The blind man replies: “If you would’ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR STICK, we’d be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!”
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Old 10-27-2007   #5
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”
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Old 10-28-2007   #6
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me? Man : By check, money order or cash.


Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I'm seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes


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Old 11-22-2007   #7
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

What do you get if you cross a dog with a cat?
An animal chasing itself
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Old 11-24-2007   #8
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Talking Re: English Funny Jokes

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.
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Old 11-30-2007   #9
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
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Old 12-04-2007   #10
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was walking slowly up to the holy site.



She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane, in a very slow fashion , she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me Sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN, may I ask your name?

"Maury Fishbein" he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

the old man replied "For about 60 years."



"60 years! she exclaimed, That's amazing! What do you pray for?"



"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims.

I pray for all the Wars and hatred to stop, I pray for all our children to

grow up safely as responsible adults, and to love their fellow man."



The Journalist reflected on the answer for a few moments and asked,

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"



The Old Man, looking up to heaven replied, "Like I'm talking to a ****in' wall."
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