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Old 03-20-2008   #51
sanfour zagtour
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes


DONT LIE TO KIDS!!!!



What an experience!

There was this guy sunbathing in the nude at the beach. Well, this little girl comes up to him, so he covers his private parts with a newspaper.
The little girl says, "What's under there?"
So the man answers, "A bird."
The girl goes away and the man falls asleep. When he wakes up; he is in a hospital and in great pain.
A doctor comes up to his bed and asks, "What happened?"
The man answers, "I don't know. I was at the beach and I fell asleep after talking to a little girl."
So the doctor tells this to the Police, and they go to the beach to find any witnesses.
When they get there, they see the little girl the man was talking about.
So they ask her if she did anything to the man.
She answers, "I didn't do anything to the man, but while he was sleeping, I played with his bird. After a while, it spit at me, so I broke its neck, burned its nest, and smashed all its eggs.



Last edited by sanfour zagtour; 03-20-2008 at 04:28 PM. Reason: missing title
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Old 03-20-2008   #52
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A blonde chick found herself sitting next to a lawyer on an airplane. Bored, the lawyer kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence (lawyers like easy prey). Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers he’d give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, “What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?” Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5.
The blonde then asked, “What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?”

The lawyer looked puzzled. He spent nearly an hour, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls, trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, “What is the answer to your question?”
Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

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Old 03-22-2008   #53
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

If an engineer walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it on the fire and puts it out.

If a physicist walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he takes the bucket of water and pours it eloquently around the fire and lets the fire put itself out.

If a mathematician walks into a room and sees a fire in the middle and a bucket of water in the corner, he convinces himself there is a solution and leaves


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Old 03-23-2008   #54
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director: 'How do

you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized?'



'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon,
a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the

bathtub.'



'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor. 'A normal person would use the bucket

because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup.'



'No.' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a

bed near the window?'
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Old 03-24-2008   #55
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

Quotes About Marriage:


"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." -Woody Allen

"My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met." -Rodney Dangerfield

"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...The rest cheat in Europe." Jackie Mason

"The difference between divorce and legal separationis that legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money."-Johnny Carson
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Old 03-24-2008   #56
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

The Century of 'LESS'

It is true.. in the21st Century:
Our communication – Wireless
Our telephone - Cordless
Our cooking - Fireless
Our youth - Jobless
Our Ladies - Topless
Our food - Fatless
Our labor - Effortless
Our conduct - Worthless
Our relation - Loveless
Our attitude - Careless
Our feelings - Heartless
Our politics - Shameless
Our education - Valueless
Our follies - Countless
Our arguments - Baseless
Our boss – Brainless
Our Job - Thankless
Our Salary - Less and less
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Old 03-26-2008   #57
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

A little kid asks his father, "Daddy, is God a man or a woman?"

"Both son. God is both."

After awhile the kid comes again and asks, "Daddy, is God black or white?"

"Both son, both."

"Daddy, does God love children?"

"Yes son, he loves all children."

The child returns a few minutes later and says, "Daddy, is Michael Jackson God?"
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Old 03-26-2008   #58
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

Dog asks God

TO: GOD
FROM: THE DOG
Dear God: Why do humans smell the flowers, but seldom, if ever, smell one another?

Dear God: When we get to heaven, can we sit on your couch? Or is it still the same old story?

Dear God: Why are there cars named after the jaguar, the cougar, the mustang, the colt, the stingray, and the rabbit, but not ONE named for a dog? How often do you see a cougar riding around? We dogs do love a nice ride! Would it be so hard to rename the "Chrysler Eagle" the "Chrysler Beagle"?

Dear God: If a dog barks his head off in the forest and no human hears him, is he still a bad dog?

Dear God: We dogs can understand human verbal instructions, hand signals, whistles, horns, clickers, beepers, scent IDs, electromagnetic energy fields, and Frisbee flight paths. What do humans understand?

Dear God: More meatballs and less spaghetti, please.

Dear God: Are there mailmen in Heaven? If there are, will I have to apologize?

Dear God: Let me give you a list of just some of the things I must remember to be a good dog:


1-I will not eat the cats food before they eat it or after they throw it up.
2-I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.
3-I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box, although they are tasty.
4-The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.
5-The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom and Dad's laps.
6-The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
7-My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
8-I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.
9-I will not play tug-of-war with Dads underwear when hes on the toilet.
10-Sticking my nose into someones crotch is an unacceptable way of saying hello.
11-I dont need to suddenly stand straight up when Im under the coffee table.
12-I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house -- not after.
13-I will not throw up in the car.
14-I will not come in from outside and immediately drag my butt.
15-I will not sit in the middle of the living room and lick my crotch when we have company.
16-The cat is not a squeaky toy -- so when I play with him and he makes that noise, its usually not a good thing.
Why do humans only have 10 Commandments and dogs have 16?
And, finally, my last question...

Dear God: When I get to Heaven, may I have my testicles back?
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Old 03-26-2008   #59
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

70-year-old George went for his annual physical. All of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship with your God?" George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He's fixed it so that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! the light goes on when I pee, and then poof! the light goes off when I'm done." "Wow," commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!" A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's wife. "Thelma," he said, "George is just fine. Physically he's great. But I had to call because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom and then poof! the light goes off?" George's wife exclaimed, "That old fool! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!".
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Old 04-01-2008   #60
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Default Re: English Funny Jokes

One day, a stupid worker was working on the thirteenth floor of a building when a man came running to him shouting:
"Omar, Omar... your daughter Fatima just died in an accident".

Omar was in panic... not knowing what to do, he jumped from the 13th floor.

While going down, he was near the tenth floor, when he remembered he didn't have a daughter named Fatima !

When he was near the fifth floor, he remembered he was not married!

When he was about to hit the ground, he remembered his name is NOT Omar!!!!!!!
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