English Jokes #2

[Neoxter]

A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything."
He returns her gaze. "Anything?"
"Anything."

His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?"

[Rami_s]

A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As
he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting
in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty.."
"This is incredible!" said the man, "who in
their right mind would have
a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting
event of the year, and not use it?"
He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed
to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we
haven't been to together since we got married."
"Oh... I'm sorry to hear that.
That's terrible. I guess you
couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even
a neighbour to take the seat?"
The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral."

[Neoxter]

this is not a joke but funny

Come to my space and twitter my yahoo and I'll google in your facebook

[Abruzzy]

A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."

[Abruzzy]

A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend.When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"

[Abruzzy]

Three men were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear,speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom.He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!

[hegma]

A Lebanese doctor was asking his students about the difference between
"artrose & necrose"...
all his students were thinking heavily how to answer this bizarre question since the difference between "artrose" and "necrose" is huge...
and then Hassoun stands-up and say...
"Ya Hakeiim afihish fare2 li 2anno 3al 7altein rose mabsouta...art w neck

[Malek]

Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted!


Signboard outside a prostitute's house:
Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy...


New AIDS awareness slogan:
Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women.

Why is sex like shaving?
Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again...


Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?
A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.


Q: Why do 90% of the girls have left boob bigger than right?
A: Bcoz 90% of the boys are right handed.


Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum?
A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later.


My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why?
Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple!

[hegma]

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.



The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."



The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."



The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."



The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."



Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

[TAREK®]

Some Sexual tips:

- Never have sex with a policewoman she will say "hands up"

- Never have sex with a doctor she will say " NEXT plz"

- Always have sex with a teacher she will say " repeat 5 times"