English Jokes #2

[TAREK®]

A mother is driving her little girl to her friend's house for a play date.

' Mommy ,' the little girl asks, 'how old are you?'

'Honey, you are not supposed to ask a lady her age,' the mother replied.
'It's not polite.'

'OK', the little girl says,


'How much do you weigh?'

'Now really,' the mother says,


'those are personal questions and are really none of your business.'

Undaunted, the little girl asks, 'Why did you and Daddy get a divorce?'

'That's enough questions, young lady! Honestly!'

The exasperated mother walks away as the two friends begin to play.

' My Mom won't tell me anything about her,' the little girl says to her friend.

'Well,' says the friend,


'all you need to do is look at her driver's license.


It's like a report card, it has everything on it.'

Later that night the little girl says to her mother,


'I know how old you are. You are 32.'

The mother is surprised and asks,


'How did you find that out?

'I also know that you weigh 130 pounds.'

The mother is past surprised and shocked now.
'How in Heaven's name did you find that out?'

'And,' the little girl says triumphantly,


'I know why you and daddy got a divorce.'

'Oh really?' the mother asks. 'Why?'










'Because you got an F in sex.'

[hegma]

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: 'Wife wanted'.
Next day he received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing: 'You can have mine.'

heheheheehehehh

[3arabi]

A very loud, unattractive, mean, nasty woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance. The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't. The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"


"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would **** you twice.

[Confucius]

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.


Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.


The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.


Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her, and say something in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,

and so on until you get a response."


That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.' Then in a normal tone he asks,"Honey, what's for dinner?"


No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats,"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he isabout 20 feet from his wife and asks,
"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her.
"Honey, what's for dinner?"


(I just love this over here )


"GREG!, for the FIFTH time, it's CHICKEN!"

[*Bilal*]

Condom says to Kotex: "When you work, I lose seven days of business." Kotex: replies, "If you fail to work once, my business stops for nine months!"

[3arabi]

Emigration questions.

Q: - What's your name Please?
A: - Abdulaziz Abdullah Mohammed.
Q: - Nationality?
A: - Saudi
Q: - Sex?
A: - 4 - 5 times a day.
Q: - No, I mean, Male or Female?
A: - Doesn't matter. Sometimes even a camel.

[Bambina]

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, “Two plus five, the son of a b!tch is seven.
Three plus six, the son of a b!tch is nine..."

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my maths homework, Mom."
"And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked.
"Yes," he answered.
Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?"
The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."
The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, the Son Of a b!tch is four?"

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."

[jak]

Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Joey: I want 2 b a doctor.
Carol: I want 2 b a good mother.
John : I want 2 help Carol.




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Teacher: What should be in a book to make it a bestseller?
Tommy: A girl on the cover and no cover on the girl

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What’s the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant,
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant,
and Panic is when both are pregnant.


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Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”

[Tawa]

BOSS said to an employee: "Do you believe in life after Death?"


EMPLOYEE: "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied.



BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you."

[7alewi]

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
A...lways busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............