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Old 03-05-2010   #61
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An 85-year-old man went to his doctor's office to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85 year old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained: "Well, doc, it's
like this First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my
left hand, but still nothing.

Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left,
still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her
teeth out, and still nothing.

We even called up Betty, the lady next door and she tried too, first with
both hands, then an armpit and she even tried squeezing it between her
knees, but still nothing."

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbour?"
The old man replied,
"Yep. And no matter what we tried we still couldn't get the jar open!"


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Old 03-26-2010   #62
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A BOY on DATE with a LEBANESE Girl in a Ferrari:



Boy: Honey...I hide something from u.

Girl: what?!?

Boy: I I I........I'm already married...

Girl: oufff!!! You scared me! I thought the Ferrari is not yours!
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Old 04-08-2010   #63
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was
plodding through the Afghanistan desert when he saw
something far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object, only to
find a little old Jewish man at a small stand selling ties.

The Taliban asked, 'Do you have water?'
The Jewish man replied, 'I have no water. Would you like
to buy a tie? They are only $5.'

The Taliban shouted, "Idiot! I do not need an over-priced
tie. I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

'OK,' said the old Jewish man, 'it does not matter that you
do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show
you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two
miles, you will find a lovely restaurant. It has all the
ice cold water you need. Shalom.'

Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.

Your f***ing brother won't let me in without a tie!
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Old 04-26-2010   #64
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A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building, needs a hand saw, and spots a worker on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The worker on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry. He runs down to the 1st floor and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, idiot!!??? I said I needed a hand saw!"

The worker says: "I knew that you stupid, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!!!
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Old 04-27-2010   #65
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Malek View Post
A construction worker on the 3rd floor of a building, needs a hand saw, and spots a worker on the 1st floor. He yells down to him, but the noise makes it impossible to hear anything, so he tries sign language. He points at his eye meaning "I", points at his knee meaning "need", and moves his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion.
The worker on the 1st floor nods his head, pulls down his pants and starts masturbating.
The man on the 3rd floor gets so angry. He runs down to the 1st floor and shouts: "What the hell is wrong with you, idiot!!??? I said I needed a hand saw!"

The worker says: "I knew that you stupid, I was just trying to tell you I'm coming!!!
LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL

man a thank u isn't enough hahahahhahahah
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Old 05-30-2010   #66
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A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.


Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?


Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.


Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?


Guy: Sure, I love to drink.


Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?


Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.


Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?


Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.


Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.


Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?


Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...
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Old 05-30-2010   #67
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TAREK« View Post
A guy dies and wakes up to find he is in hell. He's really depressed as he stands in the processing line waiting to talk to an admittance counselor. He thinks to himself "I know I lead a wild life but I wasn't that bad. I never thought it would come to this." Looking up he sees that it is his turn to be processed into hell. With fear and a heavy heart, he walks up to the counselor.


Counselor: What's the problem, you look depressed?


Guy: Well, what do you think? I'm in hell.


Counselor: Hell's not so bad, we actually have a lot of fun. Do you like to drink?


Guy: Sure, I love to drink.


Counselor: Well then, you are going to love Mondays. On Mondays we drink up a storm. You can have whiskey, rum, tequila, beer, whatever you want and as much a you want. We party all night long. You'll love Mondays. Do you smoke?


Guy: Yes, as a matter of fact I do.


Counselor: You are going to love Tuesdays. Tuesday is smoke day. You get to smoke the finest cigars and best cigarettes available anywhere. And you smoke to your heart's desire without worrying about cancer because you are already dead! Is that great or what? You are going to love Tuesdays. Do you do drugs?


Guy: Well in my younger days I experimented a little.


Counselor: You are going to love Wednesdays. That's drug day. You can experiment with any drug you want and you don't have to worry about overdoses or getting hooked because you are already dead. You are going to love Wednesdays. Do you gamble?
Guy: Yes, I love to gamble.


Counselor: You are going to love Thursdays because we gamble all day and night -- black jack, craps, poker, slots, horse races, everything! You are going to love Thursdays. Are you gay?


Guy: Uhh...no.

Counselor: Oh , you're gonna hate Fridays...
ill bare fridays for the rest of the days
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Old 06-02-2010   #68
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The Lebanese Sense of Business Tony, a Lebanese businessman, talks to his son.
Tony: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son: I will choose my own bride
Tony: But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter
Son: Well, in that case...
Next Tony approaches Bill Gates
Tony: I have a husband for your daughter.
Bill Gates: But my daughter is too young to marry
Tony: But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank.
Bill Gates: Ah, in that case...
Finally Tony goes to see the president of the World Bank.
Tony: I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president.
President: But I already have more vice-presidents than I need.
Tony: But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law.
President: Ah, in that case.....
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Old 06-15-2010   #69
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Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast. "That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has become so bad that once I hit the ball I couldn't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you and give it one more try."
"That's no good" sighs Arthur, "your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three", says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law and says, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did!" replied the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight".
"Where did it go?" says Arthur.

"I don't remember."
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Old 06-15-2010   #70
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A drunk staggered down the main street of the town. Somehow he managed to make it up the stairs to a cathedral and into the entrance, where he crashed from pew to pew, finally making his way to a side aisle and into a confessional.
A priest had observed all this, and figured the fellow needed some help, so he entered his side of the confessional. After the priest sat there in deathly silence, he finally asked, "May I help you, my son?"
"I dunno," came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any paper on your side?"
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