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Old 02-25-2007   #1
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Default Medical Humour

I opened this thread for users to post medical jokes, funny incidents that may have happened to them, or someone they know ...

So Here we go:

Appendectomy is simple
"Do you mind telling me why you ran away from the operating room?" the hospital administator asked the patient.
"Because the nurse said, "Don't be afraid! An appendectomy is quite simple."
"So ...?" exclaimed the man...

"She was talking to the doctor!!!!"


A List of Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:
- Oops!
- Has anyone seen my watch?
- Come back with that! Bad Dog!
- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingy
- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!
- Damn, there go the lights again...
- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
- What do you mean, he's not insured?
- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"
- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!
- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Doctors' fees
A well known rich businessman's wife broke her hip. The businessman got the best bone surgeon in town to do the operation.
The operation consisted of lining up the broken hip and putting in a screw to secure it.
The operation went fine, and the doctor sent the business man a fee for his services of $5000.
The businessman was outraged at the cost, and sent the doctor a letter demanding an itemized list of the costs.
The doctor sent back a list with two things: 1 screw $ 1 ... Knowing how to put it in $4999 ... $5000 total ... The businessman never argued.

Comparing Childhood Surgeries
Two little kids are in a hospital, lying on stretchers next to each other, outside the operating room. The first kid leans over and asks, "What are you in here for?" The second kid says, "I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous." The first kid says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze!" The second kid then asks, "What are you here for?" The first kid says, "A circumcision." The second kid says, "Whoa! I had that done when I was born. I couldn't walk for a year!"

Spell error..
A Psychotherapist, starting from scratch, was having such success in his business that he could now afford to have a proper shop banner advertising his wares. So he told a kid to paint the sign board for him and put it above his shop entrance. But, instead of his business building up, it began to slacken. He had especially noticed the ladies shying away from his shop after reading the sign board. So he decided to check it out himself. Then he began to understand why! The boy found a small wooden board so he had to split the word in 3 places.
The sign read: PSYCHO-THE-RAPIST

To Be Continued ...

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Old 02-25-2007   #2
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Default Re: Medical Humour

Patient: Doctor, what should I do if my temperature goes up five more points?

Doctor: Sell!


Patient: Doctor, what does the X-ray of my head show?

Doctor: Absolutely nothing!
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Old 02-26-2007   #3
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The three shrinks! While attending a convention, three psychiatrists take a walk. "People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears," one says, "but we have no one to go to with our own problems." "Since we're all professionals," another suggests, "why don't we hear each other out right now?" They agreed this is a good idea.
The first psychiatrist confesses, "I'm a compulsive shopper and deeply in debt, so I usually overbill my patients as often as I can."
The second admits, "I have a drug problem that's out of control, and I frequently pressure my patients into buying illegal drugs for me."
The third psychiatrist says, "I know it's wrong, but no matter how hard I try, I just can't keep a secret."

Psychological Tests
A patient goes to a psychiatrist for the first time and is given some tests. The psychiatrist draws a circle and says, "What does this make you think of?" "Sex." The psychiatrist draws a tree and repeats his question. "Sex," the patient answers again. The psychiatrist proceeds to draw simple figures of all sorts... a house, a car, an apple, and so on... each time getting the same response. Sex, sex, and sex. Finally the psychiatrist says, "You have an obsession with sex." The patient says, "Me? You're the one who's drawing all those dirty pictures!"

The Memory Test
Doctor : "What is three times three?"
Person 1 : 274
The doctor rolls his eyes and looks up at the ceiling, and asks the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"
Person 2 :"Tuesday,"
The doctor shakes his head sadly, then asks the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"
Person 3 : "Nine"
Doctor : "That's great! How did you get that?"
Person 3 : "Simple just subtract 274 from Tuesday."

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Old 02-27-2007   #4
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Miracles of modern medicine A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at this woman and all his professionalism goes out the window. Right away he tells her to undress. After she has disrobed he begins to stroke her thigh. As he does this he says to the woman, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she says, "you're checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That is right," says the doctor. He then begins to fondle her breasts.

"Do you know what I'm doing now?" he says."Yes," says the woman, "you're checking for any lumps or breast cancer."

"Correct," replies the doctor. He then begins to have sexual intercourse with the woman. He says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You're possibly getting Aids"

Revenge!!
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table. After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embrrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations." To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $ 500 ??

Psychiatric Hotline
RING RING CLICK Recording - "Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline." If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly. If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2. If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6. If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line until we can trace the call. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.

My God!
A man who thought he was John the Baptist was disturbing the neighborhood, so for public safety, he was committed. He was put in a room with another crazy and immediately began his routine, "I am John The Baptist! Jesus Christ has sent me!" The other guy looks at him and declares, "I did *not*!"

To Be Continued ...

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Old 03-01-2007   #5
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Fourteen fourteen! A guy is walking past a big wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen! Quite curious about this, he finds a hole in the fence, and looks in. Someone inside pokes him in the eye. Then everyone inside the asylum starts chanting, "Fourteen! Fourteen! Fourteen!

Very Smart Bunch

The reply
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half. Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet. The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a light bulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red. The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself?" Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"

A way to keep elephants away!
The Psychiatrist was escorting a patient from one Psychiatric Hospital to another. They were travelling by train, and the Psychiatrist was intrigued to see the patient tearing up bits of paper and throwing them out of the window. "What are you doing that for?" asked the Psychiatrist. "It's to keep the elephants away !" answered the patient. "But there are no elephants in Surrey," pointed out the Psychiatrist. "Effective, isn't it?" was the logical answer.

I don't hear anything!
There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything." The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"


To Be Continued ...

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Old 03-03-2007   #6
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Mental Escape
A man phones a mental hospital and asks the receptionist if there is anybody in Room 27. She goes and checks, and comes back to the phone, telling him that the room is empty. "Good," says the man. "That means I must have really escaped."

Sperm counting
There was this guy that went to the doctor to get his sperm counted. The lady behind the desk handed him a jar and said, "Bring it back tomorrow, full." He says, "Okay, I’ll be back tomorrow then."
Well he goes home and comes back the next day, and he hands the woman the jar.
She says, "Nothing’s in it." The man responds, "Well, I went home and I tried with my right hand and I tried with my left hand and nothing happened. I called my wife into the room, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand. Nothing still happened. Well, we called our neighbor and she came over, and she tried with her right hand and she tried with her left hand, and still nothing happened.
And the woman behind the counter looked stunned and asked, "You asked your neighbor over to help you!?" And he says, "Yeah, we couldn’t get the jar open."

Sex Therapist and the Male Volunteer
A sex therapist student was doing research at the local college in town.
One of the male volunteers told him, "When I get it in part of the way, my vision blurs. And when I get it all the way in, I can't see a thing."
"Hmmm..." said the researcher "this is an interesting optical reaction to sex, Would you mind if I had a look at it?"
So the volunteer stuck out his tongue.

What's a Prostate Problem?
A man walks into his doctor's office and sits down in the waiting room. While he is waiting his turn to be seen, a casual acquaintance walks in and sits down next to him. The newcomer asks "W w what are yyy you ddd doing here?" The man replies, " I am waiting to see the doctor." "W wwhy dd do yyy you wwant to sss see hhim?" The man replies, "Well, if you must know, I have a prostate problem. " A pp prostate ppp problem, wwhat's ttthat?" "Well, if you must know. I pee like you talk."

To Be Continued ...

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Old 03-04-2007   #7
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Married Nuns A man suffered a heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. Post surgery he woke up to find himself under the care of nuns at a Catholic private hospital.
On his way to recovery, a senior nun and her pretty assitant came up to him and asked him regarding how he was going to pay for services.

He was asked if he had health insurance. he replied in a raspy weak voice, "No"

The nun asked if he had any money in the bank. He replied, "No" The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?" He said, "I only have a spinster sister who is also a nun."

The junior nun got a little perturbed and announced loudly, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to the lord." The patient replied, "Then please send the bill to my brother in law."

Heart Surgeon vs. Mechanic
In a car garage, where a famous heart surgeon was waiting for the service manager to take a look at his Mercedes, there was a loud mouthed mechanic who was removing the cylinder heads from the motor of a car. He saw the surgeon waiting and lured him into an argument.

He asked the doc after straightening up and wiping his hands on a rag, "Look at this car i'm working on. I also open hearts, take valves out, grind them, put in new parts, and when I finish this baby will purr like a kitten. So how come you get the big bucks, when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

The surgeon very calmly leaned over and whispered to the loudmouth mechanic, "Try doing it with the engine running."

How to charge?
An optometrist was instructing a new employee on how to charge a customer: "As you are fitting his glasses, if he asks how much they cost, you say '$75.' If his eyes don't flutter, say... 'For the frames. The lenses will be $50.' If his eyes still don't flutter, you add... 'Each'

Peanuts!Peanuts!
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him. While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend starts eating the peanuts on the coffee table, and finishes them off. As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts." She says, "Yeah, since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em.

To Be Continued ...

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Old 03-05-2007   #8
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Unusual Dental Visit Dentist to Patient: (begging) " Would you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?" Patient: Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time. Dentist: There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock football game.

Getting a Tooth Pulled
A man & wife entered a dentist's office. The Wife said, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible." You're a brave woman said the dentist. Now, Show me which tooth it is. The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

Obvious Diagnosis
A young doctor was to take up his new position in a small community hospital in a town.

The retiring older doctor suggested the young one to accompany him on his rounds for a couple of weeks to understand the finer points of practice in a small community and at the same time for him to meet a few patients.

At the first visit to a farmers house the farmer’s wife complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach.". The senior doctor thought for a moment or two and said, ‘Well I think you've probably been eating too much of bananas , try to cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that helps"

As they left the young doctor was absolutely surprised and asked his senior , "You didn't even examine that woman. How'd you make your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. I dropped my stethoscope on the floor by mistake and when I bent over to pick it up guess what I saw in the trash bin – at least half dozen banana peels.. That was what was probably making her sick."

"oh” the younger doctor said, "Pretty clever, maybe I'll try that at our next house visit”.

The next day they did another house visit.. Both spent several minutes talking with a young pretty lady who was complaining of lack of energy and tiredness for the past few days for no real reason. She said " Doc, I'm feeling terribly run down lately, I don’t know why “

The older doctor said “Oh, I am sure there is good reason but for someone as youthful as you this cannot be a serious reason”

The young doctor on this responded, " I think sir there is, she is probably been doing too much work for the church, perhaps she cut back a bit and sleep a little more and see if that helps". The girl went slightly red and said nothing and just nodded.

As they left, the senior doc surprised at this said, "Your diagnosis is probably correct, but how did you arrive at it? "

“Well, just like you did at the last house, I also dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to pick it up, guess what I saw” “What did you see” “ I noticed the preacher under the bed!!."

Men Of Honour ….?
"Do clever men make good husbands?"

"Clever men don't become husbands."

To Be Continued ...

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Old 03-07-2007   #9
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Mr.Wrong ……!! Mary was shortsighted , to vain to wear glasses was determined to get married. She finally found herself a husband, and went off on a honeymoon with him. When Mary returned her mother gave a shriek , dashed to the telephone and rang up an oculist. "Doctor", she gasped , " You've got to come over here right away. It's an emergency. My daughter Mary has always refused to wear glasses and now she is back from her honeymoon and..." "Madam ," interrupted the doctor, "please control yourself. Ask your daughter to come and see me .No matter how bad her eyes are , it can't be that much of an emergency." "Oh, no ! " said the mother. "Well , this fellow she's got with isn’t the same one she went on the honeymoon with!"

The newly wed ….!
Mr. Peter knocked on the door of his boss's office , entered and then said , " I'd like to get some time off. I'm getting married and i want and i want to go on a honeymoon." His boss looked up and said, " How much time off do you want for a honeymoon ?"
Mr.Peter nervously stamared : " How long would you say , sir ?" " How do I know ?" snapped the boss. " I haven't seen the bride."

Confidence
"The patient was worried. "Are you sure it's pneumonia, doctor?" he asked, "I've heard of cases where a doctor treated a patient for pneumonia, and he ended up dying for something else."
"Don't worry," said the doctor. "When I treat a patient for pneumonia, he dies of pneumonia."

The test of true friendship
Mr. Peter to doctor : " Doc , I'm heading up to rattlesnake country and i figure I better get a bit of advice on what to do incase i get bitten by a rattlesnake."
" Well , if a rattlesnake bites you on the hand, you must immediately draw the poison out with your mouth and spit out the poison." " Yes , doc. What if he bites me where I sit down ?" " That's when you find out who your friends are !"

To Be Continued ...

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Old 03-08-2007   #10
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A way to ease out.. A man suffering from a severe case of flatulence goes to the doctor.
Man: Doctor, I have a terrible (FARRRT!) problem. I just can't (FFFART!!) stop farting.

Doctor: That is an unusual complaint. Take off your clothes and lay, stomach down, on the couch.

The man does as he is told. The doctor examines him for a minute - the man farting all the time this is going on.

Doctor: Aha! This should be easy to cure. Excuse me for a moment.

The doctor goes over to a closet and pulls out a long pole with a sharp spike at one end.
Man: (FAART!) Oh my God! (fart..) What are you going to do with (FFFARTT!!) that?!

Doctor: I need to open a window.

The sick man who has got HAGS
A man goes into the doctor's office feeling really bad. After a thorough examination the doctor calls him into his office and says,
"I have some news. You have HAGS."
"What is HAGS?" the man asks.
'It's herpes, AIDS, gonorrhea, and syphilis" says the doctor.

"Oh my God" says the man. "What are you going to do?"
"We are going to put you in an isolated room and feed you pancakes and pizza."
"Is that going to help me?" says the man.

"No" says the doctor. "But it's the only food we can think of that we can slide under the door"

Unique diagnostic test
A man was very worried that his wife was lately not quite the same as she used to be. So, he takes her to the doctor who runs a battery of tests on her and then calls the man into his office.

He says, "Well, I have run all the tests on your wife and have come to the conclusion that she has either Aids or Alzheimers."

The man is now shocked and upset and asks the doctor, "But doc, how will we know which one of the diseases she is suffering from?"

The doctor replies, "On your way back home, drop her off in a place about two blocks from home. If she makes it home, don't have sex with her!!"

Routine Checkup
An old man takes his wife to the doctor for a checkup.
The doctor wanting to have some fun with the old man tells the old man that the old lady's health is deteriorating and the only cure is sex.
The old man asks, shocked, "Sex?"
"Yes", says the doctor.
The old man then asks, "How many times must she have sex?"
The doctor says, "Three times a week."
"What days?" the old man asks.
The doctor ponders and then replies "Well, lets say Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday."
The old man replies a little worriedly, "Well doctor, Tuesday and Thursday I can but, on Saturday I have something to do - I can't bring her to you."

To Be Continued ...

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