English Funny Jokes
 

As a reason of High posting & loading, thought of opening a second part for the english lang funny Jokes...

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A young boy had just gotten his driver's license and inquired of his
father, if they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son.

"You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a
little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer
and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said,

"Son, I've been real proud. You brought your grades up and I've observed
that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm real disappointed you
haven't gotten your hair cut."

The young man paused a moment then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking
about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had
long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and

there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair."

To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked
everywhere they went?

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A man was driving home one evening and realized that it was his daughter's
birthday and he hadn't bought her a present.

He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store
manager, "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"

The Manager replied, "Which one? We have
'Barbie goes to the gym' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Ball' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes shopping' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the beach' for $19.95,
'Barbie goes to the Nightclub' for $19.95 and
'Divorced Barbie' for $375.00"

"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00 when all the others are $19.95?, the
father asked.

The store manager replied: "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's car, Ken's
house, Ken's boat, Ken's dog, Ken's cat, Ken's furniture and all of Ken's savings

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A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop, with them are their 8 children.
A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her eight children are able to fit in the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man and says to him: “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!!”
The blind man replies: “If you would’ve put a rubber on the end of YOUR STICK, we’d be sitting in the bus, so shut up!!!!”

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A lady approaches her priest and tells him, “Father, I have a problem. I have two female talking parrots, but they only know how to say one thing.”

“What do they say?” the priest inquired.

“They only know how to say, ‘Hi, we’re prostitutes. ‘Want to have some fun?’”

“That’s terrible!” the priest exclaimed, “but I have a solution to your problem. Bring your two female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots whom I taught to pray and read the bible. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to praise and worship.”

“Thank you!” the woman responded.

The next day the woman brings her female parrots to the priest’s house. His two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage. The lady puts her two female parrots in with the male parrots and the female parrots say,”Hi, we’re prostitutes, want to have some fun?”

One male parrot looks over at the other male parrot and exclaims, “Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!”

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Woman : How can I ever repay you for your kindness and consideration to me? Man : By check, money order or cash.


Sam : I hate to see a girl standing in a bus when I'm seated.
Lily : So what do you do?
Sam : I close my eyes

lool

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

What do you get if you cross a dog with a cat?
An animal chasing itself

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

One day The Lord spoke to Adam. "I've got some good news and some bad news," The Lord said.

Adam looked at The Lord and replied, "Well, give me the good news first."

Smiling, The Lord explained, "I've got two new organs for you, one is called a brain. It will allow you to create new things, solve problems, and have intelligent conversations with Eve. The other organ I have for you is called a penis. It will give you great physical pleasure and allow you to reproduce your now intelligent life form and populate this planet. Eve will be very happy that you now have this organ to give her children."

Adam, very excited, exclaimed, "These are great gifts you have given to me. What could possibly be bad news after such great tidings?"

The Lord looked upon Adam and said with great sorrow, "You will never be able to use these two gifts at the same time.

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.
The man was impressed.
The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves
him so much.
Again, the man is impressed.
The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.
Obviously, the man was impressed.
The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.
Then, he married the one with the biggest boobs.
Men are like that, you know.

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

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Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Interviewer to Milionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " Billionaire"!!!!!!!!!!!

lool lool lool

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Good: Your wife’s not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She’s a lawyer.


lool lool lool

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Chinese couple was about to have their 1st baby. When baby was born, eyes were big, hair was curly and skin was brown. So the father named the baby "Sum Ting Rong haha lool

A man went to apply for a job. After filling out all of his applications, he waited anxiously for the outcome. The employer read all his applications and said, "We have an opening for people like you." "Oh, great," he said, "What is it?" "It's called the door!"

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A young man went to his father one day to tell him that he wanted to get married. His father was happy for him. He asked his son who the girl was, and he told him that it was Samantha a girl from the neighborhood. With a sad face the old man said to his son, "I'm sorry to say this son but I have to. The girl you want to marry is your sister, but please don't tell your mother." The young man again brought 3 more names to his father but ended up frustrated cause the response was still the same.So he decides to go to his mother. "Mama I want to get married but all the girls that I love, dad said they are my sisters and I mustn't tell you. His mother smiling said to him, Don't worry my son, you can marry any of those girls. You're not his son!!"


lool lool lool lool

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Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A very Beautiful woman was walking on the roofof a building and she fell down.On her way falling down, an American man catches herShe says: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life;I'll do ANYTHING for you...The man says: 'Okay then,kiss me.'She says: 'You PIG!! NEVER!!'So he says:'FINE!' and he drops her down....So she's falling and screaming... Suddenly a German mancatches her in the air from his balconyShesays:'Oh thank you, you saved me;I'll do anything that you ask...'The guy says: 'Fraulein, kiss me.'She replies: 'Oh you nasty pig!!! NEVER!'So the man says: 'Fine!!!' and he also drops her down again.She's falling and thinking that it was better if she kissed one of those men and now she's going to die.Suddenly, a man catches the woman from his balcony,She says: 'Oh thank you, you saved my life, I'll kiss you!!'The man replies: 'Astaghfar Allah' and he drops her!!!!!!!!*

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one
day and told his wife Carolyn that the doctor said he only had 24 hours
to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she
agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I
only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make lo ve again?"

Carolyn agreed and again they made love.

Later, Barry was getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight
hours of life left. He touched Carolyn's shoulder and said, "Honey?
Please? Just one more time before I die." She agreed, then afterward
>>>>she rolled over and fell asleep.
Barry, however, heard the clock
ticking in his head, and he tossed
and turned until he was down to only four more hours.
have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Barry,

I'm not being funny ..but I have to get up in the morning and you don't!."

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work.
Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home.
She puts her lover in the closet, not realising that the little boy is in there already.
The little boy says, " Dark in here. "
The man says, " Yes, it is. "
Boy: " I have a baseball. "
Man: " That's nice. "
Boy: " Want to buy it? "
Man: " No, thanks. "
Boy: " My dad's outside. "
Man: " OK, how much? "
Boy: " $250 "
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy: " Dark in here. "
Man: " Yes, it is. "
Boy: " I have a baseball glove. "
The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, " How much? "
Boy: " $750 "

Man: " Sold. "
A few days later, the father says t! the boy, " Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch. " The boy says, " I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove.
The father asks, " How much did you sell them for? "
Boy: " $1,000 "
The father says, " That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that; that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess. "
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confessional booth and closes the door.
The boy says, " Dark in here. "
The priest says, " Don't start that shit again, you're in my closet now.

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made

several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but

it had always been occupied. The flight attendant

noticed his predicament. Sir, she said "You may use

the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the

buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he

noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each

button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a

red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched

them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was

sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling,

he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice

things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he

pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm

water, gently drying his underside.

When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large

powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent

of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The

ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender

loving pleasure. When the powder puff completed

its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button

which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he

knew he was in a hospital as he opened his eyes.

A nurse was staring down at him with a smile on her

face. "What happened?" he exclaimed.

"You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse.

"The last button marked ATR was an AutomaticTampon

Remover. Your balls are in the bucket under the bed"

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A chicken farmer went into a local tavern and took a seat at the bar next to a woman patron and orders a glass of champagne.
The woman perks up and says, " How about that? I just ordered a glass of champagne, too!"
He turned to her and said, "What a coincidence. This is a special day for me, I'm celebrating."
"This is a special day for me, too, and I'm also celebrating!" says the woman.
" What a coincidence ," says the man. They clinked glasses and he asked, "What are you celebrating?"
"My husband and I have been trying to have a child. Today, my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
"What a coincidence," says the man. "I'm a chicken farmer and my last batch of hens were infertile, but today they're finally fertile."
"That's great!" says the woman, "How did your chickens become fertile?"
"I switched cocks," he replied.
" What a coincidence," she said

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.



He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?".



Shocked she slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door again.



Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".



The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.



"Do you have vagina?"



"Yes" she says. The man replies.."Good! Would you tell your husband to start using your vagina and leave my wife alone."

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Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.


The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:


"I'm the Boss !"


He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:



" Your wife called, she wants her sign back !"

perfect old husband wanted
 

A lonely spinster, aged 81, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED,
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN Person.



On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled "Therefore I cannot run around on
you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still
good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

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Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups ofwater won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital ofCalifornia is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hourper pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 ..... 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven'Button on the stupid phone!!!

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'


My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

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Re: English Funny Jokes
 

The three Dolls in a man's life........

1........His Daughter, 'Baby doll'

2........His Mistress, 'Barbie Doll'

3........His Wife, 'Panadol'

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore, Human = Donkey + work + enjoy So, Human - enjoy = Donkey + work In other words, Human that don't know enjoy = Donkey that work ****************************************** Men = eat + sleep + earn money Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Men = Donkeys + earn money So, Men - earn money = Donkeys In other words, Men that don't earn money = Donkeys ****************************************** Women = eat + sleep + spend Donkeys = eat + sleep Therefore, Women = Donkeys + spend So, Women - spend = Donkeys In other words, Women that don't spend = Donkeys ****************************************** To Conclude: * Men earn money not to let women become Donkeys! * Women spend not to let men become Donkeys! · Man + Woman = 2 Donkeys!

The Teacher, the Thief & the Lawyer!
 

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

>>>> While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling,
>>>> scrumptious looking platter being served at the next
>>>> table. Not only did it look good, the smell was
>>>> wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just
>>>> served?"
>>>>
>>>> The waiter replied, "Ah senor, you have excellent
>>>> taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's
>>>> testicles from the bull fight this morning,
>>>> a delicacy!"
>>>>
>>>> The cowboy said, "What the heck bring me an order."
>>>>
>>>> The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There
>>>> is only one serving per day because there is only one
>>>> bull fight each morning. If you come early and place
>>>> your order, we will be sure to save you
>>>> this delicacy."
>>>>
>>>> The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his
>>>> order, and that evening was served the one and only
>>>> special delicacy of the day. After a few
>>>> bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the
>>>> waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are
>>>> much, much smaller than the ones I saw you
>>>> serve yesterday."
>>>>
>>>> The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si,
>>>> Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator,looksup and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him looks down andsays: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my left testicle weighs 3 pounds, my right testicle weighs 3 pounds, and my name is Turner Brown.

The small guy says, "Turner Brown????!!!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around"

Re: English Funny Jokes
 

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, "No, this is my first time."

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

"Just a minute," she said, and walked to the door, and locked it. Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it.

She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. "Do these excite you?" she asked. Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties and lay down on a desk. "Well, come on", she said, "We don't have much time."

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. "Did you put that condom on?" she asked. I said, "I sure did," and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted. :hawhaw:

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Re: English Funny Jokes
 

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed .
He shoots his friend and kills him.
Wife says 'If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends.'


2. Brother wanted
A small boy wrote to Santa Claus,'send me a brother'...
Santa wrote back, 'SEND ME YOUR MOTHER'.....


3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, 'Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without Information Fighting Everytime'!'
Wife replies, 'No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!'


4. Importance of a period
Teacher: 'Do you know the importance of a period?'
Kid: 'Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack & our driver ran away.

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Q: What were Haifa Wehbe's last words before her house exploded?
A: What does this button do?

lool

Q. What do you call 1 Syrian on the moon?
A. A Problem

lool

Q. Two Syrians on the moon?
A. A bigger problem

lool

Q. Every Syrian on the moon?
A. PROBLEM SOLVED

lool