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English Jokes #2
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A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class, "Where is Jesus today?"
Steven raises his hand and says, "He's in Heaven." Mary answers, "He's in my heart." Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, "He's in our bathroom!" The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this. "Well," Little Johnny says, "every morning, my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells 'Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!'" |
On a long haul Emirates flight, a mother took her young son to the toilet and told him she would come back for him, in five minutes.
However, he was finished in two minutes so he left the toilet and wandered off down the aisle, in the opposite direction from where his mother was. Meanwhile, a businessman entered the toilet and locked the door. After the five minutes were up, the mother knocked on the door and called out, "Do you need any help with the zipper?" From behind the door, a startled male voice said, "Good God !! That's what I call service!!!!!" |
A farmer orders an expensive milking machine. He decides to test it on
himself first, so he inserts his manhood into the equipment and turns on the switch. Soon he realizes that the equipment provides him with more pleasure than his wife does. But when the fun is over, he realizes that he cannot remove the instrument from his tool, anxiously he reads the manual, but does not find any useful information. He tries every button on the instrument, without success. Finally the farmer decides to call the customer hotline. ''Hello, I just bought a cow milking machine from your company, it works fantastic, but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'' "Don't worry sir'', replies the customer service person, ''the machine will release automatically once it has collected two litres!" |
Grandma and Grandpa were visiting
Their kids overnight. When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in His son's medicine cabinet, he asked About using one of the pills. The son said, "I don't think you shou ld Take one Dad; they're very strong And very expensive." "How much?" asked Grandpa. "$10.00 a pill," Answered the son. "I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to Try one, and before we leave in the Morning, I'll put the money Under the pillow." Later the next morning, the son found $110 under the pillow. He called Grandpa and sa id, "I told You each pill was $10, not $110. "I know," said Grandpa. "The Hundred is from Grandma!" |
The new father ran out of the delivery room and announced to the rest
of his family who were waiting for the news: “We had twins!” The family was so excited they immediately asked, “Who do they look like?” The father paused, smiled, and said, “Each other.” |
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Sex in the Dark
There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. Every time they made love, the husband always insisted on shutting off the light. Well, after 20 years thewife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she would break him of this habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild,screaming, romantic session, she turned on the lights. She looked down and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated leisure device... A vibrator! Soft,wonderful and larger than a real one. She went completely ballistic. 'You impotent bastard,' She screamed at him, 'How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!' The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 'I'll explain the toy . You explain the kids.' |
In D.C., a guy sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Sure do." the dog replies. "So, what's your story?" The dog looks up and says, "Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running." "The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals." "Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. The owner says, "Ten dollars." The guy says, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" "Cause he's a liar. He didn't do any of that sh*t!!!" |
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
************ A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.' ***************** Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. *************** A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ******************* Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay. ****************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' ***************** Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years. |
A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen
in love and that he is going to get married. He says, Just for fun, 'Ma, I'm going to bring over 3 women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry.' The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says: ' Okay, Ma, guess which one I'm going to marry.' She immediately replies: ' The one on the right.' ''That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?' The mother replies, ' I didn't like her!!.' :hawhaw: |
Husband: 'When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control your anger?'
Wife: 'I clean the toilet.' Husband: 'How does that help?' Wife: 'I use your toothbrush.' :hawhaw: |
One of the funniest jokes ever lool
What's the difference between a saloon and an elephant fart? One is a bar room and the other is a BAROOOOOOOM! :hawhaw: |
A kid once wrote to Santa " Send me a brother"
The following day Santa wrote back " Send me Your Mother" :hawhaw: |
A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By
imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants? ~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~ He just has to open his mouth and ask... It's really very simple !:p |
How do you determine the nationalities of visitors to an Auto Show?
The German examines the engine The British examines the leather The Greek examines the muffler The Italian examines the horn The American examines the size The Swiss examines the trunk The Chinese examines everything The Pollack examines nothing The Lebanese examines the saleswoman -miss o. |
Toni grew up in Beirut, then moved away to attend college and law in
Oxford University. He decided to come back to Beirut, because he could not be a big man in Oxford. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office! The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Mr. Toni picked up the phone! He motioned the man in, all while talking "No! Absolutely no? You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million! Yes? The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week! I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support Okay? Tell the State Prosecutor that I'll meet with him next week to discuss The details." This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes All the while the man sat patiently as Toni rattled instructions. Finally, Toni put down the phone and turned to the man. "I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from OGERO, I've come to connect your phone line" |
Ideas about wives
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Taking a Woman to Bed
What is the difference between girls/woman aged: 8, 18, 28, 38, 48, 58. 68, and 78 ? At 8 -- You take her to bed and tell her a story. At 18 -- You tell her a story and take her to bed. At 28 -- You don't need to tell her a story to take her to bed. At 38 -- She tells you a story and takes you to bed. At 48 -- She tells you a story to avoid going to bed. At 58 -- You stay in bed to avoid her story. At 68 -- If you take her to bed, that'll be a story! At 78 -- What story??? What bed??? Who the hell are you??? |
A man and a woman went into divorce, but they still got ht porblem of whom is gonna take the child...
they went to court to decide, the woman started talking that she should have the kid, and that she could provide him love and passion... then the man stood up and told the judge:" if you're buying a pepsi can from a pepsi machine, you insert a 1000L.L. bill into the machine, then it gives one pepsi can, who takes that can, you or the machine??" |
Math lesson;
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read: "Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband" When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows: "Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up." |
The phone bill was exceptionally high and
the man of the house called a family meeting... On a Saturday morning... after breakfast... Dad: People this is unacceptable. You have to limit the use of the phone. I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office. ا Mum: Same here, I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone. Son: Me too, I never use the home phone. I always use my company mobile. Maid: So - what is the problem? We all use our work telephones !!!!! |
One of the reasons to make someone Proud to be Lebanese…. A Russian, an Iranian & an American... Talking about something to be proud of. The Russian said: I am proud of Russian girls…. Because they are pretty, polite & respectable… The Iranian said: I am proud of Iranian carpets…. Because it is the best carpet in the world…. The American said: I am proud of the C.I.A…. Because they know everything that happens in the world & sometimes before it happens… The Lebanese has been silent!!!! After a while he said: I am proud of myself…..Because, yesterday, I slept with a Russian girl, On an Iranian carpet, and the C.I.A didn’t know till now!!!!! |
At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."
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A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked,
"Are these my brains?" "Not yet," she replied. |
A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.
“Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.” The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend. “Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?” “Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.” |
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."
So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!" Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves." |
Teacher to his student:
Give me the opposite of this sentence: "Children in the dark make mistakes" Student: "mistakes in the dark make children". |
Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. One dozen babies are in the ward eleven of whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out the happy child as theirs. 'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one another.' The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when we pull the Thermometer out of his ass. lool lool |
Five rules for men to follow to a happy life:
1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job. 2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh. 3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you. 4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you. 5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other. |
A student comes to a young professor's office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, and kneels pleadingly. "I would do anything to pass this exam."
She leans closer to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes. "I mean," she whispers, "I would do anything." He returns her gaze. "Anything?" "Anything." His voice turns to a whisper. "Would you... study?" |
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final. As
he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No", he says, "the seat is empty.." "This is incredible!" said the man, "who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. I guess you couldn't find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?" The man shakes his head... "No. They're all at the funeral." |
this is not a joke but funny :p
Come to my space and twitter my yahoo and I'll google in your facebook lool |
A college couple is under a tree on campus making out. After a while, the girl says, "I wish you had a flashlight."He says, "Why's that?" She says, "Because you've been eating grass for fifteen minutes."
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A couple decided to Alaska for a romantic weekend.When they got to the cabin it was cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for that fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold, so she said her put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " honey my hands are cold again". So she tells him here put your hands between my thighs to warm them. So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "honey my hands are cold again". She then said, " Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
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Three men were sitting naked in a sauna.Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear,speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his bottom.He looked around and "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through"!
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A Lebanese doctor was asking his students about the difference between
"artrose & necrose"... all his students were thinking heavily how to answer this bizarre question since the difference between "artrose" and "necrose" is huge... and then Hassoun stands-up and say... "Ya Hakeiim afihish fare2 li 2anno 3al 7altein rose mabsouta...art w neck |
Q: Why are condoms transparent?
A: So that sperms can at least enjoy the scene even if their entry is Restricted! Signboard outside a prostitute's house: Married MEN not allowed. We serve the needy, not the greedy... New AIDS awareness slogan: Try different positions with the same woman instead of same position with different women. Why is sex like shaving? Well, because no matter how well you do it today... tomorrow you'll have to do it again... Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster? A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death. Q: Why do 90% of the girls have left boob bigger than right? A: Bcoz 90% of the boys are right handed. Q: What is the similarity between a wife and a chewing gum? A: Both are sweet in the beginning but become tasteless and shapeless later. My dad told me that if Adam and Eve were Chinese, we would be still in Paradise . Why? Because they would have eaten the snake instead of the bloody apple! |
Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.
The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breasts, 24" stomach and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God." |
Some Sexual tips:
- Never have sex with a policewoman she will say "hands up" - Never have sex with a doctor she will say " NEXT plz" - Always have sex with a teacher she will say " repeat 5 times" :hawhaw: :hawhaw: |
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