[TAREK®]

21. None of that annoying check-in procedure like with St. Peter.

20. Due to recent health code changes, vats of boiling brimstone now use

low-fat canola oil.


19. Your "Do you smell something burning?" slays 'em, year after year.


18. Plenty of legal help available for filing "wrongful death" lawsuit.


17. Newly passed law: Three strikes and you're back in LA.


16. Satan's confused attempts to torture masochists can be highly entertaining.


15. No need to pack the parka over Bob Dole's election chances.


14. Well, sure, it's hot, but it's a *dry* heat.


13. Free prostate checks and PAP smears administered daily!


12. The surprisingly entertaining "Hitler and Kathie Lee Show."


11. Every Thursday is Karaoke Night, hosted by Dean Martin and Sammy Davis, Jr.


10. Prizes awarded for best crank phone calls to God.


9. Everywhere you look, there's a smoking section!


8. Big step up from Bakersfield.


7. Your little "blue flame" trick now produces spectacular results.


6. Free Microsoft software for everyone (as per agreement made back in early 80's).


5. Now that you've followed her advice, you just might get that date with Cindy Crawford.


4. 52 smmmmmokin' channels of Jim Carrey!


3. Saturday night WWF tag-team bout between Genghis Khan, George Bush, Vlad the Impaler, and Hitler.


2. Everyone gets a length of pipe and a daily crack at Nancy Kerrigan's knee.


1. Fortune to be made on "Welcome, O.J." t-shirts.