English Jokes #2

[Bella]

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded: "If it weren't for my money, the house wouldn't be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it weren't for your money I wouldn't be here."

[TAREK®]

A young lady came home and told her Mother that her boyfriend had proposed but she had turned him down because she found out he was an atheist, and didn't believe in Heaven or Hell. "Marry him anyway, dear." the Mother said. "Between the two of us, we'll show him just how wrong he is."

[TAREK®]

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft the skin from her body, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor found suitable would have to come from his rear end. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everyth ing you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you." "My darling," he replied," think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

[Bella]

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring. He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear
just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a desire to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfills his fantasy with a passionate kiss that would make anyone blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's alright my dear, my name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween Party!

[TAREK®]

How to tell where a driver is from

- One hand on wheel, one hand out of window: Chicago.
- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York.
- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston.
- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy.
- One hand on horn, one hand greeting, one ear on cell phone, one ear listening to loud music, foot on accelerator, eyes on female pedestrians, conversation with someone in next car: Welcome to Lebanon

[SysTaMatIcS]

rihanna- oh nana whats my name?
person-why are you asking your grandma your name?
rihanna-oh shut up and drive!
person-but it's raining!!!
rihanna- then get under my umbrella.
person-who do you think you are?
rihanna-the only girl in the world
person-no you are not!
rihanna- i love the way you lie......

[Confucius]

Boy whispers to his mom during a wedding: "Mommy?"
Mom: "What?"
Boy: "Why is the girl dressed in white?"
Mom: "Because this is the happiest day of her life."
Boy: "... so why is the boy dressed in black?"

[Justin]

What goes "Na-Fa-Fo-Na-Fo-Fo-Fa"?.....





A gangsta giving you his number

[TAREK®]

‎3 Guys died & went to heaven ..The angel told them: only 1 of u can come in.The 1st guy said: im a doctor , i help sick people everyday. The door moved but didn't open.The 2nd guy said: im a teacher, i spread knowledge everyday. The door also moved but didn't open.The 3rd guy said: I am a lebanese citizen .The door quickly opened & the angel said : come in my dear child , u've been in hell for too long!

[TAREK®]

A nun goes to her head nun: " I was raped. What shall I do? " The head nun answers: "Drink this most Bitter tea with no sugar" "Shall that bring my purity and honor back" "No, but it shall take that happy look off your face"