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Old 06-15-2010   #71
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In Sunday school, Sister Mary asked the class: "What part of the body goes to heaven first?"
In the back of the class, nasty Billy waved his hand frantically, but Sister Mary, suspecting a wrong answer, turned to another child. "Yes, Susan?"
"The heart goes to heaven first because that's where God's love lives."
"Excellent," said Sister Mary, "and you, Charlotte?"
"The soul, Sister Mary, because that's the part that lives beyond death."
"Very good, Charlotte," said the Sister, as she noticed Billy's hand still waving in desperation."
"OK, Billy, what do you think?"
"It's the feet that go first, Sister, the feet."
"That's a strange answer Billy. Why the feet?"
Billy answered, "Because I saw my mom with her feet up in the air, shouting, 'God, I'm coming, I'm coming!'"


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Old 08-06-2010   #72
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Teacher: What's your parents' name ?
Boy: My Dad's name is Laughing and Mother's name is Smiling.
Teacher: You must be kidding.
Boy. No that's my brother ... I am Joking.
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Old 08-06-2010   #73
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Did You Hear that Cinderella was kicked out of Disney ?
She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming " LIEEE Motha ****aa LIEE LIEEE " !
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Old 08-17-2010   #74
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The next time you're having a bad day imagine this :
You're a Siamese twin
Your brother attached to your shoulder is gay
You're not
He has a date coming over tonight
...You only have one ass
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Old 08-17-2010   #75
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Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years. He eventually decides to go and see a doctor.

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.' He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.' Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.' The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?' 'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..' The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'
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Old 08-20-2010   #76
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What do you do after raping a deaf, dumb blind girl?

Break her fingers so she can't tell her mum
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Old 08-21-2010   #77
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Q: What will happen if earth rotates 30 times faster?

A: Men will get their salary everyday and women will bleed to death.
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Old 09-13-2010   #78
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A husband and wife were trying to set up a new password for their computer. Her husband put 'mypenis' and the wife fell on the ground laughing cause it said, "Error. Not long enough."
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Old 09-14-2010   #79
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A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner.
He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set; and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I knew that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."

Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk. "I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first one to go to him in confession."

Moral: DON'T EVER BE LATE
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Old 10-07-2010   #80
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While creating Husbands, God promised Women that good and ideal Husbands would be found in all corners of the world.






And then he made the earth round !!!!!!!!!!



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