J O K E S Thread ;)

[Rami_s]

Computer Terms for Women

HARD-DISK Woman:
She remembers everything, FOREVER.

RAM Woman:
She forgets about you, the moment you turn her off.

WINDOWS Woman:
Everyone knows that she can't do a thing right, but no one can live without her.

SCREENSAVER Woman:
She is good for nothing but at least she is fun!

INTERNET Woman:
Difficult to access.

SERVER Woman:
Always busy when you need her.

MULTIMEDIA Woman:
She makes horrible things look beautiful.

CD-ROM Woman:
She is always faster and faster.

E-MAIL Woman:
Every ten things she says, eight are nonsense.

VIRUS Woman:
Also known as "WIFE"; when you are not expecting her, she comes, installs herself and uses all your resources. If you try to uninstall her you will lose something, if you don't try to uninstall her you will lose everything............

[SpongeBob]

Great Night!



Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said, "we'll be happy to sleep In the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

About nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do." "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night and go up to the house to pay her a visit?" "Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Bob's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."
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The little boy asked his father - Daddy, how was I born?

DAD SAYS: Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall and it was too late to hit the delete button. Nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said: You've Got a Male
================================================== =========

Free Sex



There was this gas station in "Redneck Country" trying to increase its sales, so the owner put up a sign saying "Free Sex with Fill-up."

Soon a "redneck" customer pulled in, filled his tank, and then asked for his free sex. The owner told him to pick a number from (1) to (10), and if he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex. The buyer then guessed (8) and the proprietor said, "No, you were close. The number was (7). Sorry, no free sex this time but maybe next time".

Some time thereafter, the same man, along with his buddy this time, pulled in again for a fill-up, and again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story and asked him to guess the correct number. The man guessed (2) this time, and the proprietor said, "Sorry, it was (3). You were close but no free sex this time".

As they were driving away, the driver said to his buddy, "I think that game is rigged and he doesn't giveaway free sex". The buddy replied "No, it's not rigged-my wife won twice last week".
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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says:

"The parrot on the left costs 500 dollars".

"Why, does the parrot cost so much" asks the first man.

The owner says, "Well the parrot knows how to use a computer".

The man then asks about the next parrot to be told that this one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use the UNIX operating system.

Naturally, the increasingly startled man asks about the third parrot to be told that it costs 2,000 dollars. Needless to say this begs the question

"What can it do?"

To which the owner replies "To be honest, I have never seen it do a thing but the other two call him boss!".
================================================== ========
Funny stupid responses.

* Did you take a bath?" --> "Why, Is there one missing?"
* "Are you chewing gum?" -->"No, I'm John Smith."
* "I want to buy a dress to put on around the house."-->"Yes, Madam. How large is your house?"
* "What are you going to be when you graduate?"-->"An old man"
* "I spent three years in college taking medicine."-->"Are you well now?"
* Do you say a prayer before you eat?"-->"No, we don't have to. My mother is a good cook."
* "I've got a surprise for you, honey. I brought a friend home for Dinner."-->"Who wants to eat friends?"
* "We are having mother for dinner, darling."-->"Make sure she's well done."
* "I want some rat poison."-->"Should I wrap it up or do you want to eat it right here?"
* "It seems that everything I say to you goes in one ear and out the Other."-->"Well, I guess that's why I've got two ears."
* "May I hold your hand?"-->"No, thanks, It isn't heavy."
* "Does water always come through the roof in this place?"-->"No, sir, only when it rains."
* "When will you straighten out the house, dear?"-->"Why? Is it tilted?"
* "Do you have big plastic bins?"-->"Yes, how many bodies do you want to dispose of"
* "Do these stairs take you to the second floor?"-->"No, you'll have to walk"
* "Now that you're married, you should have some insurance"-->But why? My wife isn't dangerous."
* "I have changed! My mind."-->Thank heaven! Does it work better now?"
* Waiter: Would you like your coffee black?-->Customer: What other colors do you have?
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[badboy_10452]

girls eza tol3o l 3alemet w tar2in sa2ta look what you should do :

دخلت الأم غرفة أبنتها الوحبدة فوجدت رسالة على السرير.. فقرأتها بيدين مرتجفتين:
بندم شديد وأسف.. أخبرك بأني هربت مع صديقي الجديد, لقد وجدت معه الحب الحقيقي, وهو لطيف جدا بالرغم من الأقراط التي يضعها في أذنيه وأنفه والوشوم التي تملأ جسمه ودراجته الكبيرة. ليس هذا فقط يا ماما.. فأنا أيضا حامل و هو يقول لي: أننا سنكون سعيدين معا في الغابة حيث سنعيش ويريد أنجاب الكثير من الأولاد مني, وهذا أحد أحلامي. لقد أخبرني أن الحشيشة لا تؤذي وسنزرعها مب أجل أصدقائنا الذين سيهدونا الكوكاين, وأطمئني يا أمي نحن نصلي أن يجد العلماء دواء الايدز من أجل حبيبي فهو يستحق كل خير ماما لا تقلقي
.أنا أعلم كيف أعتني بنفسي ويوما ما سأزورك لتتعرفي على أحفادك
.أبنتك
:ملاحظة
ماما أنا أمزح فأنا عند الجيران فقط أدرتك أن تعرفي أنه يوجد في الحياة أمور أسوأ من نتأئج المذاكرات وتقرير المدرسة موجود على طاولتي
.أحب

ك

[badboy_10452]

Mrs Abdalla comes to visit her son Samir for 3 days in London where he is studying. She finds out that her son lives with Vikki, a female roomate. Mrs Abdalla couldn't help but notice how pretty Samir's roommate was. She suspects of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Reading his mom's thoughts, Samir volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Vikki and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Vikki came to Samir saying,"Ever since your mother left, I've been unable to find the silver sugarbowl. You don't suppose she took it do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote:

Dear Mother,
I'm not saying that you "did" take the sugar bowl from my house, I'm not saying that you "did not" take it. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you left back to Beirut.
Love,
Samir

Several days later, Samir received an email from his Mother which read:

Dear Son,
I'm not saying that you "do" sleep with Vikki, and I'm not saying that you "do not" sleep with her. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the sugar bowl by now.
Love,
Mom.

The moral of the story is: Don't Lie to Your Mother... especially if she is Lebanese.

[Josee]

Originally Posted by lebnene

hala2 ma fi gher esem johnny????!!!!!

ma3am yeje ella hal esem 3abele haliyan

[Kingroudy]

The wife comes home early & finds her husband in their master bedroom making love to a beautiful, sexy young lady! "You unfaithful, disrespectful pig! What are you doing? How dare you do this to me the faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving this house, I
want a divorce!"

The husband, replies "Wait, Wait a minute! Before you leave, at least listen to what happened"
"Hummmmm, I don't know, well it'll be the last thing I will hear from you. But make it fast, you unfaithful pig you"

The husband begins to tell his story . . .

"While driving home this young lady asks for a ride. I saw her so defenseless that I went ahead and allowed her in my car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She mentioned that she had not eaten for 3 days. With great compassion and hurt, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas that I made for you last night that you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll gain weight; the poor thing, practically devours them. Since she was very dirty I asked her to take a shower. While she was showering, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw her clothes away. Since she needed clothes, I gave her the pair of jeans that you have had for a few years, that you can no longer wear because they are too tight on you, I also gave her the blouse that I gave you on our anniversary and you don't wear because I don't have good taste. I gave her the pullover that my sister gave you for Christmas that you will not wear just to bother my sister and I also gave her the boots that you bought at the expensive boutique that you never wore again after you saw your co-worker wearing the same pair."

The husband continues his story . . . . .

"The young woman was very grateful to me and I walked her to the door. When we got to the door she turned around and with tears coming out of her eyes, she asks me:
"Sir, do you have anything else that your wife does not use"

[Rami_s]

What men says while they are in LOVE !!?
In english {I Love You}...
In french {Je T'aime}....
In Italian {Ti Amo}...
In lebanese {Bmout
bi rab alla li khala2ik , ye2berni sama rabik
shou bhebik}

What Women says While Making Love!!?
The American Girl says : Oh Yea... More More.... Yeaaaaaaaaaa
The French Girl says : Plus fort bébé... plus fort...Ouaiiiiiiis
The Lebanese Girl says : bi 3ardak ma t2oul la 7adan

[badboy_10452]

I was happy. My girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. My parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged me. my girlfriend? She was a dream! There was only one thing bothering me, very much indeed. That one thing was her irresistible younger sister. My prospective sister-in-law was twenty years of age and simply beautiful. One day, little sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived. She whispered to me that soon was to be married, and she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome and didn't really want to overcome. She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. I just could not believe my ears. I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want to go ahead with it just come up and get me." I was stunned. I was frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and went straight to the front door. I opened the door and stepped out of the house and walked straight towards my car. My future father-in-law was standing outside. With tears in his eyes he Hugged me and aid, "We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for better man for our daughter........ Welcome to the family.
"he moral of this story is: always keep your condoms in the car and not in your pocket"

[Justin]

A junior manager, a senior manager and their boss are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp.
They rub the lamp and a ghost appears.
The ghost says," Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three,
I will allow one wish each".
So the eager senior manager shouted,
I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries.
"Pfufffff, and he was gone.
Now the junior manager could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food and cocktails.
"Pfufffff,and he was also gone.
The boss calmly said, " I want these two idiots back in the office after lunch at 12.35pm"
Lesson : "Always allow the bosses to speak first"

[Jean]

Queen Elizabeth, Bill Clinton and the Lebanese president died and went all to hell.

Queen Elizabeth said: I miss England, I wanna call Englandand see how everybody is doing there....


She called and talked for about 5 minutes... then she said:
well,devil how much do I owe you ?
The devil goes: 5 million dollars...
5 million dollars?!!!
She made him a check and went to sit back on her chair....

Bill Clinton was soo jealous, he starts screaming, me too I wanna call the united States, I wanna see how everybody is doing too...


He called and talked for about 2 minutes, then he said:
well,devil how much do I owe you????

The devil goes: 10 million dollars...
10 million dollars?!!!!!!
He made him a check and went to sit back on his chair...



The Lebanese president was extremely soooo jealous too... he starts screaming and screaming, I wanna.............. call Lebanon too, I wanna see how everybody is doing there too, I wanna talk to the ministers, to the deputies, I wanna talk to everybody...


He called Lebanon and he talked for about twenty hours, he was talking and talking and talking... then he said:
Well, devil how much do I owe you????
The devil goes: 2$...
Only 2 dollars?!!!!!


The devil goes: Well, from hell to hell, it's local !!