English Funny Jokes

[AnGe|ic]

Sally is at home when she hears someone knock at the door. She goes to the door and opens it to see a man standing there.



He asks the lady "Do you have a vagina?".



Shocked she slams the door in disgust. The next morning she hears a knock at the door and it is the same man and he asks the same question to the woman "Do you have a vagina?". She slams the door again.



Later that night when her husband gets home she tells him what has happened for the last two days. The husband tells the wife in a loving and concerned voice "Honey I am taking tomorrow off to be home just in case this guy shows up again".



The next morning they hear a knock at the door and both run for the door. The husband says to the wife in a whispered voice "Honey, I'm going to hide behind the door and listen and if it is the same guy I want you to answer yes to the question because I want to see where he is going with it". She nods yes to her husband and opens the door. Sure enough the same fellow is standing there and asks the same question.



"Do you have vagina?"



"Yes" she says. The man replies.."Good! Would you tell your husband to start using your vagina and leave my wife alone."

[AnGe|ic]

Before marriage....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!
After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

[Rami_s]

One beautiful December evening Pedro and his girlfriend Rosita were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Pedro said, 'Hey, mamacita, let's do Weeweechu.'

Oh no, not now, let's look at the moon!' said Rosita.

Oh, c'mon baby, let's you and I do Weeweechu. I love you and it's the perfect time,' Pedro begged.
'But I wanna just hold your hand and watch the moon.' replied Rosita..

Please, corazoncito, just once, do Weeweechu with me.'

Rosita looked at Pedro and said, 'OK, one time, we'll do Weeweechu.'

Pedro grabbed his guitar and they both sang.....

'Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, Weeweechu a Merry Christmas, and a Happy New Year..'

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!

[AnGe|ic]

The boss was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't getting any respect.


The next day, he brought a small sign that

Read:


"I'm the Boss !"


He then taped it to his office door.


Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said:



" Your wife called, she wants her sign back !"

[wewe]

A lonely spinster, aged 81, decided that it was time to get married. She put an ad in the local paper that read:

HUSBAND WANTED,
MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (80's),
MUST NOT BEAT ME,
MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME
AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!
ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN Person.



On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.
The woman said "You're not really asking me to consider you, are you? Just look at you....you have no legs!" The old man smiled "Therefore I cannot run around on
you!" She snorted. "You don't have any hands either!" Again the old man smiled "Nor can I beat you!" She raised an eyebrow and gazed intently. "Are you still
good in bed?" With that, the old gentleman leaned back, beamed a big broad smile and said, "I rang the doorbell didn't I?"

[mr_j]

Once there were three men, Dave, John, and Sam, who were involved in a tragic car accident in which all three died.

As they stood at the gates of heaven St. Peter came up to them and said, "You will all be given a method of transportation for your eternal use around heaven. You will be judged on your past deeds, and will have your transport chosen accordingly."

St. Peter looked at Dave and said, "You, Dave, were a bad man. You cheated on your wife four times! For this, you will drive around Heaven in an old beat up Dodge."

Next St. Peter looked at John and said, "You, were not so evil, but you still cheated on your wife two times. For this, you will forever travel around heaven in a Toyota station wagon."

St. Peter finally looked at Sam, and said, "You, Sam, have set a fine example. You did not have sex until after marriage, and you never cheated on your wife! For this, you will forever travel through heaven in a Ferrari."

A short time later, Jon and Dave pulled up in their cars next to Sam's Ferrari and there he is, sitting on the hood, head in hands, crying.

"What's wrong, Sam?" they asked. "You got the Ferrari! You are set forever! Why so down?"

Sam looked up, ever so slowly opened his mouth and cried, "I just saw my wife go by on a skate board."

[Jess]

I accompanied my husband when he went to get a haircut. Reading a magazine,
I found a hairstyle I liked for myself, and I asked the receptionist if I
could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the photo.
"Leave some ID, a driver's license or a credit card," she said.
"But my husband is here getting a haircut," I explained.
"Yes," she replied. "But I need something you'll come back for."

[The Lizard King]

A Blonde's Year in Review
January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.
February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels.... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in printer !!!
March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.... box said '2-4 years!'
April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!
May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions....8 cups ofwater won't fit into those little packets!!!
June
Tried to go water skiing.......couldn't find a lake with a slope.
July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later,the other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!
August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car swamped because soft-top was open.
September
The capital ofCalifornia is 'C'.....isn't it???
October
Hate M & M's....they are so hard to peel.
November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1 hourper pound and I weigh 108!!
December
Couldn't call 911 ..... 'duh'.....there's no 'eleven'Button on the stupid phone!!!

[The Lizard King]

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR
A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again,opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?' To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'


My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[Rami_s]

A man thought that his wife is cheating on him. Since he didn't have a lot
of money to hire an expensive private investigator, he decided to go with a
much cheaper one -- a Chinese man named Mr.. Lee. The following day he received following report:

Most honorable sir:You leave house. I watch house. he come to house. I
watch. He and she leave house. I follow. He and she go in hotel. I climb
tree. I look in window. He kiss she. She kiss he. He strip she. She strip
he. He play with she. She play with he. I play with me. I fall off tree. I
not see. No fee, Chen Lee '.