Medical Humour

[abousoun]

Most terrible constipation A man went to the doctor and complained that he had the most terrible constipation.
The doctor examined him and then gave him a prescription for some tablets to be taken last thing at night.
2 weeks later the patient returned for a check-up and the doctor asked him how his constipation was.
The doctor was rather surprised when the man gloomily answered that the pills worked fine and that he went every morning at 7.30.

"So why the long face?" asked the doctor.
"Because I don't get up until 8 o'clock ! ! !" replied the patient.

Preventive medicine belief
Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, really?
Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!

Life is full of problems..
Three old men are sitting on the porch of a retirement home. The first says, "Fellas, I got real problems. I'm seventy years old. Every morning at seven o'clock I get up and I try to urinate. All day long I try to urinate. They give me all kinds of medicine but nothing helps." The second old man says, "You think you have problems. I'm eighty years old. Every morning at 8:00 I get up and try to move my bowels. I try all day long. They give me all kinds of stuff but nothing helps." Finally the third old man speaks up, "Fellas: I'm ninety years old. Every morning at 7:00 sharp I urinate. Every morning at 8:00 I move my bowels. Every morning at 9:00 sharp I wake up."

Insomnia
A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your troubles to bed with you." "I know" said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone."

To Be Continued ...

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

Poor old lady This old lady walks into the Doctor's office and says, "Doctor, please help me. I have a terrible problem with farting. It's not really a social problem, because you can't smell it or hear it, but I must have farted 20 times since talking to you." The Doctor nods his head and says, "Take this bottle of pills and use them all. When they are all gone in about 2 weeks, come back to see me." The old lady comes back 2 weeks later and is angry. She says "What was in those pills? I fart just as much. You still can't hear them, but now they smell horrible!" The Doctor again nods his head and says, "Great, that takes care of your sinus problem, now let's work on your hearing."

House Call
Old Dr. Carver still made house calls. One afternoon he was called to the Tuttle house. Mrs. Tuttle was in terrible pain. The doctor came out of the bedroom a minute after he'd gone in and asked Mr. Tuttle, "Do you have a hammer?" A puzzled Mr. Tuttle went to the garage, and returned with a hammer. The doctor thanked him and went back into the bedroom. A moment later, he came out and asked, "Do you have a chisel?" Mr. Tuttle complied with the request. In the next ten minutes, Dr. Carver asked for and received a pair of pliers a screwdriver and a hacksaw. The last request got to Mr. Tuttle. He asked, "What are you doing to my wife?" "Not a thing," replied old doc Carver. "I can't get my instrument bag open."

Try Mud Baths
A guy goes to the doctor and the doctor tells him, "I have some very bad news for you. I'm afraid that you're afflicted with a fatal and incurable disease." So the guy asks, "Well isn't there ANYTHING I can do, doc?" "Hmmm.... maybe you should go to a spa and start taking daily mud baths." The doctor tells the patient. "Mud baths? Will that help me, doc?" "Probably not . . . but at least you'll get used to being covered in dirt!"

Chronic Laziness
The man told his doctor that he wasn't able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, "Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what is wrong with me?" "Well, in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy." "Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

To Be Continued ...

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

What happened? A distraught man ran into the doctor's office. "Doc!" The man screamed, "I've lost my memory!" "When did this happen?" asked the doctor. The man looked at him and said, "When did what happen?"

Good and bad news
An elderly man complains to his wife about feeling a little worse for wear and after a lot of persuasion agrees to go and see a doctor. The doctor checks him out and asks the man to return a few days later for the results. The doctor turns to the patient and says, "I have some good news and some bad news for you. The bad news is that you have terminal cancer, polio and have tested HIV+. But the good news is you also have Alzheimers disease so in about 10 seconds you'll have completely forgotten about it." "Ooh good" said the patient. "What was the bad news then?"

Tough Treatment
An old lady fell down the stairs and broke her leg. The doctor put it in a cast and warned her not to walk up and down the stairs. The leg was slow in meding. Finally, after six months, the doctor announced it was all right to remove the cast.

"Can I climb the stairs now?" asked the old lady.

"Yes" answered the doctor.

"Oh, I'm so glad," she smiled. "I'm sick of climbing up and down the drainpipe all the time.


A broken finger
A man goes to the doctor and says to the doctor: "It hurts when I press here" (pressing his side) "And when I press here" (pressing the other side) "And here" (his leg) "And here, here and here" (his other leg, and both arms) So the doctor examined him all over and finally discovered what was wrong... "You've got a broken finger!"

Hot Water or Cold Water
A business executive injured his leg skiing one weekend. By the time he got home Saturday, the leg was very swollen and he was having difficulty walking, so he called his physician at his home. The doctor told him to soak it in hot water. He tried soaking it in hot water but the leg became more swollen and painful. His maid saw him limping and said, "I don't know, I'm only a maid, but I always thought it was better to use cold water, not hot, for swelling." He tried switching to cold water and the swelling rapidly subsided. On Sunday afternoon he called his Dr. again to complain. "Say, what kind of a doctor are you anyway? You told me to soak my leg in hot water and it got worse. My maid told me to use cold water and it got better." "Really?" answered the doctor, "I don't understand it. My maid said to use hot water."

To Be Continued ...

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

Baby names A pregnant woman from Virginia was involved in a car accident and, while in the hospital, she fell into a coma. When she awoke days later, the woman noticed that she was no longer carrying a child, and asked, 'Doc, what happened to my baby!' The doctor replied, 'Ma'am, you've had twins! You're the proud mother of a handsome baby boy and a beautiful baby girl. Also, you should know that while you were in a coma, your brother named the children for you.' 'Oh, no!' shrieked the woman. 'Not my brother! He's not really all together, if you know what I mean!' The doctor replied, 'Well, ma'am, your brother named your daughter Denise.' 'Oh, that's no so bad,' smiled the woman. Then, hesitantly, she asked, 'What's the boy's name?' The doctor grinned and said, 'Denephew.

Growth rate
A young woman, two months pregnant, went to see her obstetrician. He was in a hurry to leave on an emergency call, so he asked her to quickly bare her stomach, then reached into his desk and took out a rubber stamp, which he pressed beside her navel. He then rushed off. At home, she and her husband tried to read the tiny words printed on her belly, but they were too small. They then found a magnifying glass and tried to read the words; the stamp read: "When your husband can read this without his glasses, it's time to get yourself to the hospital."

How painful?
A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, "Well, I'm a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?" The doctor answered, "Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it's difficult to describe pain." "I know, but can't you give me some idea?," she asks. "Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little..." "Like this?" "A little more..." "Like this?" "No. A little more..." "Like this?" "Yes. Does that hurt?" "A little bit." "Now stretch it over your head!"

To Be Continued ...

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

Painless labour for mom and dad!
A lady and her husband,who went to the hospital to give birth to their child, heard of a new technology from the doctor, which would transfer the labour pain from the mother to the father.

The couple were both excited and very much in favour of it. The doctor however said that, to start with, he would transfer only 10% of the pain, as even that small amount of pain would be too much for the father. They agreed and the doctor started the transfer.

The father did not show any signs of pain as the doctor kept increasing the amount of transfer. The transfer was complete at one stage with 100% pain transferred to the father. The father was comfortable even at that stage and the mother delivered the baby. The couple left the hospital with the baby, literally painless and ecstatic, only to return home and find the mailman dead on the porch!

Visit to the Maternity Ward
Father: (at the hospital looking through the glass at the newly arrived babies) "Kitchy kitchy koo. Look, she smiled! Isn't she adorable?" Friend: "But your kid didn't smile." Father: "I was talking about the nurse."

Old lady's remorse
A nurse at the beginning of her shift examines an elderly and slightly deaf lady.

She places her stetoscope on the patient's chest wall and instructs "Big breaths"

The old lady remorses ,"Yes, they used to be!"

What is your problem?
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?
Patient: Doctor, I keep getting the feeling that nobody can hear what I say.
Doctor: What seems to be the trouble?

To Be Continued ...

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

Baby Desire

What is the nicest thing about babies?
Making them.

Small remedy
There was this nervous patient whose imagination afflicts them with all kinds of ills which never materialize. one afternoon he staggered into the house. He was bent forward. he tottered to a chair, and still curled into a half-moon shape, dropped into it. "Mary," he gasped, "it's come at last. There was no warning. All of a sudden I found I couldn't straighten up. I can't lift my head."

When the doctor had arrived and looked over the patient, the wife inquired, "Is there any hope?"

"Well," the doctor said, "it will help a good deal if he will unhitch the third buttonhole of his vest from the top button of his trousers."

Lab Tests
A playboy old man suffering from diarrhoea and urinary incontinence goes to the doctor. The doctor asks for some urgent stool, urine and semen samples and asks the patient to return the next day with the samples.

The old man a little unconvinced takes all his little sample jars and goes home. At home, the worried man not knowing how to undertake all this samples in a day tells his wife that the doctor wants stool, urine, and semen samples.

The wife looks surprised and then realization spreads like the dawn across her wrinkled facial features.

"That's easy," she says, relief obvious in her voice. "All he wants is your pyjama pants."

Bad News
A seventy-year man goes to the doctor for a health check-up. After some tests and checks, the doctor comes in with a grave look on his face.

Doctor: Well, I have some bad news and some really bad news.

Guy: Well, give me the really bad news first.

Doctor: You have cancer, and only 6 months to live.

Guy: And the bad news?

Doctor: You have Alzheimer's disease.

Guy: Thank God. I was afraid I had cancer!

To Be Continued ...

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

• A man goes to his doctor and says, "I don't think my wife's hearing isn't as good as it used to be. What should I do?" The doctor replies, "Try this test to find out for sure. When your wife is in the kitchen doing dishes, stand fifteen feet behind her and ask her a question, if she doesn't respond keep moving closer asking the question until she hears you."
  The man goes home and sees his wife preparing dinner. He stands fifteen feet behind her and says, "What's for dinner, honey?" He gets no response, so he moves to ten feet behind her and asks again. Still no response, so he moves to five feet. still no answer. Finally he stands directly behind her and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, I SAID CHICKEN!"

• "Doctors at a hospital in Brooklyn, New York have gone on strike. Hospital officials say they will find out what the Doctors' demands are as soon as they can get a pharmacist over there to read the picket signs!"

• The difference between a neurotic and a psychotic is that, while a psychotic thinks that 2 + 2 = 5, a neurotic knows the answer is 4, but it worries him.

• Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
  Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
  Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
  Patient: 24 HOURS! That's terrible!! WHAT could be WORSE? What's the very bad news?
  Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.

• A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
  "Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
  "No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

Thank You ...

[abousoun]

GIRL: I have done a great sin. I called my boyfriend a BASTARD.

PSYCHIATRIST: Well now, that's not a nice thing to call anyone, so >> what did he do to deserve that?

GIRL: Well, he kissed me.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .. Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he put his hand in my top.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he took my clothes off.

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he had sex with me!

PSYCHIATRIST: You mean like this?

GIRL: .Yes!

PSYCHIATRIST: Well that's no reason to call him a BASTARD.

GIRL: But, he told me he has AIDS.

PSYCHIATRIST: BASTARD ! .... BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASTARD!!!!!

Thank You ...