English Jokes #2

[Neoxter]

Math lesson;

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:

"Dear wife, You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. - Your Husband"

When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:

"Dear Husband. You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."

[Rami_s]

The phone bill was exceptionally high and
the man of the house called a family meeting...
On a Saturday morning...
after breakfast...

Dad:
People this is unacceptable.
You have to limit the use of the phone.

I do not use this phone, I use the one at the office.
ا
Mum:
Same here,
I hardly use this home telephone as I use my work telephone.

Son:
Me too,
I never use the home phone.
I always use my company mobile.

Maid:
So - what is the problem?
We all use our work telephones !!!!!

[Rami_s]

One of the reasons to make someone
Proud to be Lebanese….

A Russian, an Iranian & an American...

Talking about something to be proud of.

The Russian said:

I am proud of Russian girls….

Because they are pretty, polite & respectable…

The Iranian said:

I am proud of Iranian carpets….

Because it is the best carpet in the world….

The American said:

I am proud of the C.I.A….

Because they know everything that happens

in the world & sometimes before it happens…

The Lebanese has been silent!!!!

After a while he said:

I am proud of myself…..Because, yesterday,

I slept with a Russian girl,

On an Iranian carpet,

and the C.I.A didn’t know till now!!!!!

[Rami_s]

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? " The other replied, "Yes I am, I married the wrong man."

[Sheriff Ice]

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. "Mom", he asked,

"Are these my brains?"


"Not yet," she replied.

[halhoula]

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

“Mother, where do babies come from?”

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.”

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, “That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy’s vagina. That’s how you get a baby, honey.” The child seems to comprehend.

“Oh, I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy’s penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?”

“Jewelry, my dear. Jewelry.”

[Neoxter]

Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering. Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."


So down Satan and Jesus sat at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job.


But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on, and each of them restarted their computers.


Satan started searching frantically, screaming "It's gone! It's all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"


Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate. "Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?"


God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."

[Rami_s]

Teacher to his student:

Give me the opposite of this sentence:

"Children in the dark make mistakes"

Student: "mistakes in the dark make children".

[Jess]

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their sperms together and
then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated.
When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital.
One dozen babies are in the ward eleven of whom are crying and
screaming. Over in the corner, one baby is smiling serenely.
A nurse comes by, and to the delight of the two gays she points out
the happy child as theirs.
'Isn't it wonderful?' one gay says to the other. 'All these unhappy
babies...and yet our baby is so happy. This just proves our love for one
another.'
The nurse says 'oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens
when we pull the Thermometer out of his ass.

[Rami_s]

Five rules for men to follow to a happy life:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.