English(Lang) Funny Jokes

[Rami_s]

Please Don't Open Any Other Thread About English (Language) Funny Jokes
Post What You Got Below.

[Rami_s]

Aounist V Lfer
A first grade teacher tells her class that she is LFer. She asks her students to raise their hands if they are LFer too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, all the students raise their hands.
There is, however, one exception: A girl named Maha has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different.
"Because I am not a LFer." replies Maha
"Then", asks the teacher, "What are you?"
"I'm a proud Aounist," boasts the little girl.
The teacher is a little upset now. She asks Maha why she is Aounist.
"My mom and dad are Aounist, so I'm Aounist too."
The teacher is now angry. "That's no reason," she says loudly. "What if your mom was an idiot, and your dad was an idiot. What would you be then?"
There's a pause and Maha answers with a smile: "Then, I'd be an LFer."

[xcoder]

Bill Gates picks his own punishment

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever.

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a bottle of the finest wine sitting on a table. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill.

As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks" snickered Satan.

"The bottle has a hole in it!"

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan.

"And it's missing three keys,"

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

[Grim]

Top 5 Voicemails :


(1). Hello, you've reached Jim and Sonya. We can't pick up the phone
right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sonya likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right... real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done.... brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.


(2). Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.


(3). Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.


(4). Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.


(5). (Sexy female voice with heavy panting Hi, you've reached
555-3456. John is in... (sigh) Oh no, he's out... (aah) Yes, he's in again..(ooh). No he's out... (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he...cums.

[Grim]

I guess it will be deleted. But it's funny and true ! We hear it all day in Lebanon. I don't know if I'm braking the rules this time but I'll try posting it anyways.

LEBANESE TRANSLATION FOR THEIR EMOTIONS:



The W-AIR LIST


I am not giving you that: W'air fete7lak Caritas?

The football player is late to shoot the ball: shouta ba2a w'aiiiiiiir...

Stop taking advantage of me: w'air... tab neekne??

Atchouuuuumm: W'airrrr 7amamtna??

Too Expensive: W'air! Shou M2almaz?

After a long call: w'air shou e3id 3a units???

I have an exam tomorrow: W'air bil Playstation ma drasna shee??

I love your sunglasses: lak chiiiiiiil ya air!

I heard an explosion: w'air infijar??

Stop eating: w'air shu lal shaba3??

Answer the phone: w air red 3al telefon el air


Somebody farted: w air bhal ree7a

Long time no see: W'air hayda enta?

You have not been asking about me: W'air w'lenno missed call!

That's enough: W'air shou bonboneh?

Stop honking!: W'air... la7za!

I was not talking about you: W'air min da3as 3a danabak?

Someone repeating the same joke over & over again: W'air 7alabta
lalnikteh!

Watch that car!!: w'air bill 3allamak swa2a

I don't think I can finish the marathon: w'air bil dekhan

When your boss asks u to do many things altogether: W'air shou aloulak
3anneh akhtabout?!

When your Milkshake is late: W'air shou 3am te7elbo el ba2ra halla2?

Stop Eating! : W-air feek sho khanzeer!

A guy with very big ears: w'air shou dumbo!

I don't have my army papers: w'air 7ajiz??

He's a PR guy: w'air shou biye2rot haki

You've been working all day....w'air 7tara2 sillefna!?

When your friend tells u he got married: W'air shou darabak 3a rassak?

You talk too much! : W-air chou bel3a radio????

That's one twisted story: W'air shou film masri?

What's wrong with you?!?: Wair bi shaklak

Please come back later:? Wair ma shayifneh mashghoul

Common man! : Wair wlak ya zalameh!

Confused: Wair???

I've had enough: Wair nteik 2albeh

No way! (Frenchie Style Wair c'est pas possible!

Come on! :? Yalla Wair!

Get the fuck out of here: Wair feek 7ill 3an ayri

I don't want to do this anymore: Wair! Kiss ikht hal shaghleh bi ayri!

What are you waiting for? : Wair shoo beik waeef mitel ilair!

What an asshole: Wair feek shoo 7ayawein

I'm sure I know you from somewhere: Wair ba3rfak!

That was rude: Wair shoo m2ayar

Answer the phone! : Wair rid

What a movie: Wair malla filim

What a bad movie: Wair bi hal filim

What a moron! : Wair bi yalleh khallafak

Bad movie theatre: Wair bi hal Cinema

Complaining about getting too many nudges through MSN: Wair y'naddige

[Grim]

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a genie. The amazed woman asked if she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I'm a one-wish genie. So... what'll it be?"



The woman did not hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."



The genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lady, be reasonable. These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.. I'm good but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be reasonable."



The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know - one that's considerate and fun, romantic, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is good in bed,and gets along with my family, doesn't watch al jazira all the time, and is faithful. That is what I wish for...a good man."

The genie let out a sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

[Grim]

-"Hello?"
-"Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
-"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."

After a brief pause,
Daddy says:
-"But honey,you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
-"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."

Brief Pause.

-"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
-"Okay, Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone.

-"I did it, Daddy."
-"And what happened, honey?" he asked.
-"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
-"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
-"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."

***Long Pause***

***Longer Pause***

***Even Longer Pause***

Then Daddy says:

"Swimming pool? .......... Is this 486-5731- ?!?!?!?!?"

[Grim]

This is the funniest !

A Homsi doctor wanted to go hunting for the weekend.

So he called his assistant Abousoun and told him:

Ya Abousoun, I will go hunting tomorrow however we will not close the clinic.

You will manage some patients. I’m sure you’ll do an excellent job.

Hader Sidi replied Abousoun.



When the doctor returned on the next day, he asked to see Abousoun and said:

Chou ya Abousoun, Shlone kan nharak?

Sidi, three patients came in yesterday:

The first one had a “soda3” and I gave him a Panadol.

The second came in with “maghess” and I gave him some Lomotile ya sidi.

Bravo ya Abousoun said the doctor. “inta chater”. What about the third?

Sidi as I was sitting here, suddenly, the door opened and a woman rushed in like a “saroukh”, took her clothes off and ripped away her “sidriyeh wl kalsone” and lied down on the examination table crying out loud: “Dakheelkon, Iha’ouni, sar li khams sneen ma shift rijjal”…

Akhhhh…, what did you do ya Abousoun?

Sidi, “Atar tilla bi 3ayna”…

halla2 houwweh esmo hassoun bass 3ambetse2al 3a abousoun:P:P

[general3ff]

*Edited*
Plz Leave This Thread For Jokes.

Rami_s

[Grim]

Q: Do you know how Samir Geagea can commit suicide any time he wishes and without using any weapon?

A: By jumping from his Ego level to his IQ level