Funny Jokes #2

[s0me0ne101]

The Obedient Wife

There was a man who had worked all of his life, had
saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it
came to his money.
Just before he died, he said to his wife, "When I die,
I want you to take all my money and put it in the
casket with me. I want to take my money to the
afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise
him with all of her heart that when he died she would
put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his
wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was
sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony,
just before the undertakers got ready to close the
casket, the wife said, "Wait just a minute!" She had a
box with her, she came over with the box and put it in
the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket
down and
they rolled it away. So her friend said,
"Girl, I know you weren't fool enough to put all thatmoney in there
with your husband." The loyal wife
replied
"Listen, I'm a Christian, I can't go back on my word.
I promised him that I was going to put that money in
that casket with him."
"You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket
with him!!!!?"
"I sure did," said the wife. "I got it all together,
put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he
can cash it, he can spend it."

[Justin]

Check This Out

A woman rubbed a bottle and out popped a Genie. The amazed woman
asked if
she got three wishes. The genie said, "Nope, sorry, three-wish genies are a storybook myth. I am a one-wish genie. So . . . what'll it be ?"
The woman did not hesitate. She said "I want peace in the Middle
East. See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and I want all the Arabs to love the Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring about world peace and harmony."
The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed: "Lady, be reasonable.
These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm out of shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years. I am good, but not THAT good!
I don't think it can be done. Make another wish and please be
reasonable."
The woman thought for a minute and said: "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that is considerate and fun, likes to cook and help with the house cleaning, is great in bed, and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time and is faithful.
That is what I wish for . . . a good man."
The Genie let out a big sigh and said, "Let me see the f*cking map again."

[Kingroudy]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny? "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
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The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, "Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?" Little Johnny quickly replied, "NBC, CBS, HBO and the Cartoon Network!"
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At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings. Little Johnny, a child in the kindergarten class, seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs. Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and said, "Johnny what is the matter?" Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going have a wife."
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It is near the end of the school year. The teacher has turned in grades and there is really nothing more to do. All the children are restless because of this. The teacher says, "Whoever answers the questions I ask first and correctly can leave early today." Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Susie said, "Abraham Lincoln."
The teacher said "That's right Susie, you can go home."
Johnny was MAD that Susie had answered the question first.
The teacher asked another question, "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Mary said, "Martin Luther King".
The teacher said, "That's right Mary, you can go."
Johnny was even madder than before.
The teacher asked, "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
Before Johnny could open his mouth, Nancy said, "John F. Kennedy".
The teacher said, "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
Johnny was BOILING mad that he had not been able to answer to any of the questions.
Then the teacher turned her back and Johnny said, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"
The teacher turned around and asked, "WHO SAID THAT?"
Johnny said, BILL CLINTON, CAN I GO NOW?"

[Tawa]

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!
Dear Bo$$
In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.
I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.
Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman,
I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.
NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.
I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.
Yours truly,
Manager

[The Lizard King]

Two ladies, from Ashrafieh, were having their morning coffee.
The first one is with Geagea, and the second one is with Aoun.

The "Geagea" lady told her friend:
"My son, now, hates everything related to the orange color. He
refuses to wear his orange t-shirts, his orange swimming suit,
and also he
refuses to eat oranges, carrots, clementines, mandarines.

So the "Aoun" lady asked her:

"Does he like the brown color?"

She answered: "yes"

Then the "Aoun" lady replied: "eh khali, y*k*l k*a*a!!!!"

[Rannouch]

كان في تنين ماشيين بالغابة آمو شافو قطيع من الخواريف ام قال الاول للتاني بتشارط انو عدد الخواريف 4876 خروف فقال التاني للاول كيف عرفت؟ آم قال الاول للتاني تعال لنسأل الراعي امو سألو اديش عدد الخواريف فقال لهم الراعي 4876
آم قال التاني للاول كيف عرفت؟ آم قال الاول بسيطة بتعد رجلين الخواريف و بتقسمهن على 4

قام واحد بدو يقوس حالو
قلو التاني : و اذا شافتك الشرطة ؟
الاول : اي بقوس حالي و بهرب

طلعوا لاعبين الكرامة من المباراة عم يسبوا المدرب سألوهم ليش
قالوا لأنو المدرب عطانا خطة المان تو مان وما بقى نعرف لاعب من التاني

[s0me0ne]

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cussed her.

"Where have ye been all this time?

Why did ye not write to us, not even a line?

Why didn't ye call?

Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?"

The girl, crying, replied,

"Sniff, sniff .... dad ... I became a prostitute*."

"Ye what!!? Out of here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this family."

"OK, dad -- as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for $5 million. For me little brother this gold Rolex and for me daddy the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club....(takes a breath)....an invitation for ye all to spend New Years Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and...."

and Dad interrupts

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?"

Girl, crying again,

"Sniff, sniff .. a prostitute dad!! Sniff, sniff."

"Oh! Be Jay! -- Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said 'a Protestant'. Come here and give yer old man a big hug

[zzizz]

>>>Two ladies, from Ashrafieh, were having their morning coffee. The
>>>first one
>>>is with Geagea, and the second one is with Aoun.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>The "Geagea" lady told her friend:
>>>
>>>"My son, now, hates everything related to the orange color. He
>>>refuses to
>>>wear his orange t-shirts, his orange swimming suit, and also he
>>>refuses to
>>>eat oranges, carrots, clementines, mandarines.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>So the "Aoun" lady asked her:
>>>
>>>"Does he like the brown color?"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>She answered: "yes"
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>Then the "Aoun" lady replied: "eh khali, yekol khara!!!!"

[badboy_10452]

What are the three fastest ways of communication?
Three fastest ways of communication in the world:

1-Tele-phone

2-Tele-vision

2-Tell-a-woman

You still want it faster?

(Tell her, not to tell anyoneD
************************************************
Q: What do you call 1 Syrian on the moon?
A: Problem.

Q: What do you call 10 Syrians on the moon?
A: Problem.

Q: What do you call a 100 Syrians on the moon?
A: Problem.

Q: What do you call all the Syrians on the moon?
A: Problem Solved!

[Jean]

Are computers males or females? You decide.
TOP 5 REASONS WHY COMPUTERS MUST BE MALE:

5. They're heavily dependent on external tools and equipment.
4. They periodically cut you off right when you think you've
established a network connection.
3. They'll usually do what you ask them to do, but they won't do more
than they have to and they won't think of it on their own.
2. They're typically obsolete within five years and need to be traded
in for a new model. Some users, however, feel they've already invested
so much in the damn machine that they're compelled to remain with an
under powered system.
1. They get hot when you turn them on, and that's the only time you
have their attention.


FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE:

5. No one but their creator understands their logic.
4. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for
future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is
incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to
tell you."
1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending
half your paycheck on accessories for it.\